Far From Over

I wrote before about setbacks. We all have them and they are to be expected as part of the process. I have had several. I hurt a very major tendon in my leg, preventing me from even being able to walk, let alone run. I had a decision to make. Do I let this stop me for good? Or do I let this heal and start again?

In the past, I would have given up completely; chalked it up to the universe not wanting me to succeed, but not this time.  This time is different. The obstacle to overcome, the mole, the inside trader… is me. I have had several “light bulb moments” through this preginning process and I think I am FINALLY on the right track.

There is a mental process you have to go through in order to be able to change any behavior. It’s not about will power. It’s about changing core beliefs you have about yourself. I started this process thinking that I thought I was a runner on the inside…now I realize that is just what I wanted to think. What I really think has manifested itself in my appearance and my behavior. I have always thought I was fat and ugly. I had so many people telling me as a child, adolescent, adult, that my weight was unacceptable. Some people were just plain mean. Some were indifferent to me at all, I felt like I was non-existent. I grew to feel that no matter what I did or how good, the me I was would never be acceptable to anyone.

Fat = ugly and unacceptable. So that is what I have become to myself, and ultimately a lot of other people have judged me. Not on my character, but on my appearance. Life as I have known it, has been a cruel daily reminder of what I was not. But this far from over. I have begun to connect the dots and make some necessary changes that I haven’t been able to make until now. The scale is beginning to reflect the “letting go” I have needed to do for a long time.

Meat vs. Grissle: A Great Visual

I wrote before about setbacks. We all have them. I have thought forever that my brain must be different from everyone else’s because all the psychobabble didn’t work on me. Will power? Um yeah right…never had that before. I still cannot say no to ice cream, or chocolate. But, when I exercise, I am finding that I don’t have to say no all the time. I am still losing weight, and I get to actually eat things I enjoy. No starving, no deprivation, no whining…it’s been great. All except for the very first day; I don’t want to ever have another FIRST day like that ever again. BTW, my brain is the same as everybody else's. Did you know it takes 10 positive thought to undo every single negative thought?

Every day is a new day. As long as I get in some kind of exercise for the same length of time (remember it’s all about going the distance) at least 3 times a week, I’m losing. Everything I do above and beyond that is a bonus!

My husband told me something the other day that gave me a great visual. He said, “another pound today huh? You must have left it on the road somewhere!” I laughed. Then I thought about it some more. I really did leave it out there, it’s gone. I have kicked 20 pounds to the curb, literally. I don’t want to ever pick it up again.

Twenty Pounds Down!

Setback behind me…down 20 pounds!! No Lie… I am so excited. I went out walking this morning, and came home and jumped on the scale. As a rule, I never weigh myself more than once a week. I always weigh in the morning, and completely naked. I never, ever weigh myself on Monday. Which is why today Friday, is a great day! I have never had this kind of success before. Sure I have lost weight, only to gain it all back and then some. But this feels different. I feel different. I have not dropped a size yet, but I sure do like the way my clothes feel. Loosening up for sure! Foot still hurts a bit, but it gets better with different shoes. I have to find some new ones I think.

I am also going to get a bike. I really like the idea of riding again. When I was younger, I rode 10 miles a day. But I haven’t done that since junior high. I have my eye on a beach cruiser. Laugh now; but I like the idea of having 3 wheels and wide comfy seat, making for longer more pleasurable rides. I am willing to do just about anything to get myself out there and be able to enjoy every minute of it. Exercise has always been a chore for me, which is why I have avoided it for so long! I saw in magazine the other day an elliptical bike. It was so cool! Way out of my price range. (Like $2700) But imagine how fun it would be to ride, standing up! For now, I’ll take my losses any way I can get them.

Setbacks Are Just Part of It

Week number 2 and I have had a setback. This is usually the part where I would have given up, and said to myself, “See, this isn’t for you. I told you… you couldn’t do this!” I have some severe pain in the top of my foot, and it hurts to walk on it, let alone run…so I have been off of it for several days, waiting on X-ray results. But I have not given up.

 I have received some great feedback about my blog, and others are being inspired by ME! Wow is all I can say. I cried tears of joy this morning when I read an email from my cousin, a super athlete and inspiring runner; telling me how proud he is of me and how interested he is in my success. I also had the very same reaction when two of my best friends said the same thing. I know I don’t give myself enough credit for the person I am, the things I do and say, or for the accomplishments I have made in my life. I seem to have been stuck on what I haven’t done, who I am not, and what I wish I was like. Any of this familiar to you?

It has taken me many years and several hundred pounds to try and drowned out the voices in my head telling me I am not good enough. But you know what? I now have it writing…other people think I am good enough. I have to believe it. And I do, I really do. So the number on the scale isn’t ideal! It doesn’t define me anymore. I’m not a number. I am not someone else’s idea of what I should or should not be. It’s all up to me. Setbacks are part of it…I won’t let a setback become another reason to fail. I’ll just call it what it is, a minor inconvenience.

Yoda says, “There is no TRY… only do or do not.”  And I’m choosing to do!

Define Yourself!

Let me say this. We are not defined by what we think. We are defined by what we do. Character is what people see us do, or not do. They call it acting for a reason. Action is required to define ourselves. If we are inactive, perhaps a new way to look at it is, this gives us more than enough room for self definition. Just because we have done nothing to this point, doesn't mean we are not capable of it. It just means we are stuck in the preginning.

If you are here, then this is where you begin making the effort to change your behavior. Changing your behavior begins with changing thinking that doesn't work for you anymore. It doesn't mean you are a freak, or a loser or incapable. It just means that there is a time and season for everything. People understand things when they are ready to. Sometimes we have to hear and see things over and over again before it finally clicks.

If like me, you have a challenge to do something you have not done before; don't think you are going to do it all at once. I was never going to run a 5k that first day. I knew that. But I did go 2.6 miles, which was more than I had done in years! I did run, a few steps here, up a hill, down a hill, seconds at time. But the point is... I RAN! And I am still working at it. After one week, I have shaved 15 minutes off my original time. I can run more steps and not ache all over afterward. It's finally starting to feel good!

There is hope, if you have the desire to change (anything on your life) you CAN!

Keep Going or Give It Up?

You bought the hype, now what? The preginning is when you decide to keep going or give it up. You know what I mean. Like the time you bought that gym membership, because it was such a great deal, and you just never did find the time to actually use it? That was the preginnng. You had an idea. You even went to the gym. You got your picture on the card and everything. You might have even gone a few times. But you never really began, because if you did, your thoughts about going would have changed. You would have found more reasons to keep going.

It's important to get this. Preginning is where you hope for things to change. It's where you hope that you have the courage to make the decisions that will actually make a difference.  It's where you make a fool out of yourself, feel completely out of place, wish you were different, and even cry for lack of knowing what else to do with all the emotions you feel about not wanting to fail one more time. The preginning is where you find yourself if you have never accomplished the thing you wish you could. Inside, I'm a runner. I can sprint, I can even jump hurdles. I can do anything. It's getting the iNside to come out, that I have struggled with all my life. I have let myself be talked out of doing what I really want to do, because I was "too big," "too slow," "not ready for this type of program." But what it really boiled down to... I was not ready to change my way of thinking.

In the Preginning....there is HOPE

So... preginning. This is the place before actually beginning. This is the stage where you might be now, or have been before. Preginning involves thought. Thoughts about how to make different choices than you are now. Think about yourself, your intentions, your motivations and, even your attitudes.

The preginning is where your thoughts can turn into action. This is where you can find yourself at the start of something new, but you're still unsure if you will actually take the steps to get on with it. This is where I found myself last week, sucking so much wind I thought my lungs were going to explode.  I felt that I shouldn't be there. I wanted to quit. I was embarrassed that the other ladies were having to run out and come back to meet me. I wished I had never said yes to that invitation.

Have you ever bought into the hype of the latest weight loss program, gone out to get it, came back home and said to yourself, "This is not what I thought it would be like?" Perhaps you've heard something like, "You will love it! It's doesn't taste like it smells. You might have to start out slow. This is easy, anyone can do it!"
If any of this sounds familiar...read on.

Reprogramming

My journey begins with a reprogramming of what I tell myself each day. “I am going to do this.” It doesn't matter the time it takes, only that I actually go the distance. So even though I am in the preginning ( Hey, I like the sound of that!) I am actually doing something. Not a 5k, not even running for a solid minute at a time yet, but getting out there and pushing myself to go farther each day. I am getting faster and better. Better at knowing myself and saying out loud that I am proud of myself. And no one had to shame me into doing it.

There is this wonderful world where anyone can find anonymous support, virtual strength and an army of people willing to encourage your efforts. I am not alone, and neither are you. Don't let the fact you have never done something before now stop you. Don't let your mind tell you that you can't do it. Just take one step at a time. Even if you get up and do one sit up, one lap around your neighborhood, or even just put on your shoes. If it's more than you did yesterday, congratulate yourself! You are on your way to making a difference. Who cares how long it takes? 3 miles, 3 hours? So what? It's the 3 miles that counts, not how long it takes you to get there. Ready to make a journey of your own? You can't take my journey, but you can make your own, right alongside me. Ready...get set...are you going or what?

Never It WAS

I had a friend tell me recently that she is "addicted to dieting." She has spent a lot of time and money trying to do what worked for someone else, and didn't spend enough time trying to figure out what would work for her. She was so caught up in the idea of what was working for everyone else that she just had to try whatever the program was because it was "working" for someone. My friend became extremely frustrated when it didn't work for her. She knew she needed to lose weight and stop eating unhealthy food. She already knew that she need to exercise more. But the more she spent on programs, books, diet food, pills…whatever; the more weight she actually gained. Sound familiar? Yeah…me too!

The more time we spend thinking about food, the more time we spend eating it. The more time we think about reasons not to exercise; the less exercise we actually do. The more we beat ourselves up for not being what we think we should be, the more we become what we tell ourselves we are. This is a vicious cycle. What matters is what we actually do.

I read an article about running yesterday and what hit me, was not the fact that I was actually reading an article about running, but what the author said about how to look at what you are doing. I think the point was that we should not be so concerned with the time it takes to do the run, but that we are actually going the distance.

I don't know about you, but for me, actually going the distance is a huge deal. I have always talked myself out of even trying because I could never make it in the set amount of time. A 6 minute mile? NEVER! So never it was.

The Category Before Beginning

          There should be a category before beginner. I'll think about that one and get back to you when I figure out exactly what this should be called. Because if this was beginning, I was not even to that point yet. Which is why it has taken me a week to even think about blogging about this whole experience. I wasn't completely sure I was going to make it an experience at all.


          So now, officially I am hoping to find my way. To where? That's a good question. All I know today, is that I am a runner on the inside, dying to get out and do something, screaming at myself to make a difference. Not just for me, but for my family and anyone else who is struggling to make their minds and bodies work together for the same good cause: mental and physical well being.

          There are so many people out there struggling with the same kinds of issues. And there are equally as many people with solutions to those issues. The one thing I know to be true: we can't take someone else's journey. We have to find solutions that work for us, individually. This is why there are so many "diets", "programs", "regimens", "workouts" and failures. People have to get to know themselves, their own strengths and weakness, and find what drives them and ultimately what will work to stay motivated and continue.

Starting Something New is Never Easy

          A week ago, I started a program with a few other ladies I know called "From the couch to 5k." To say the least, I cannot yet run. I have never pushed myself to do it. I have experienced the dieting yo-yo for going on about 25 years. I'm only 37 now and that should be a hint at the kind of experience I have had with exercise and diet.

          The first day away from my couch, I will never forget. I almost died. In my mind I was dead already. I have literally tried everything under the sun, from Phen-Fen to Jenny Craig, tae-bo to swimming, with little success. I am over weight. I can't bend over to tie my shoes. I have been ashamed of myself nearly all my life. I was the fat kid in P.E. who couldn't run, who would sit out and watch the other kids because I was too afraid of being made fun of. Now here I was, I could not keep pace with the other ladies at all. I was sucking more wind just walking up that first hill than I have in my entire life! I could not catch my breath for the whole time we were out there. The first 5 minutes were supposed to be just the warm up. I was past warm! I was completely reved up and overheating. I was humiliated, embarrassed. I didn't think I was going to make it up the hill at all. I wanted to quit, just give up and go home. But there was this voice, saying, "You've got this. You can do it. You are almost there." So I kept on.

          Nope. Not my voice, but the voice of a woman, who is an aerobics instructor at the Y, and can run circles around me all day long. She was the one who invited me to join the group the day before. Which I thought was a complete joke. But she was serious, and I took it as a challenge. "It's for beginners," she said.