Aren’t we all asking the same kinds of questions to ourselves? Who Am I? What do I want for and from my life? How can I get it? Why have some things not worked out? What am I supposed to be learning from this failure, success, tragedy, loss? We all ask the same things, day in and day out. What makes the most sense to you? This is the question that you should be asking.
I have done some serious soul searching since I began this journey to find myself. I didn’t like what was defined for me. I didn’t like the outcome of decisions that others had made for me. I felt like I had no choice but to accept what was being handed to me. I didn’t want to be anymore unacceptable than I already felt. So I tried over and over to please everyone but me. I knew that I should be trying to please me, but I was torn between feeling connected and accepted or selfish. I just wanted to belong. I spent a long time trying to belong. This made me sick. Sick in the way that I would sacrifice my own well being to keep others comfortable and at a distance, so that I couldn’t be truly hurt if they rejected me.
The fat, keeps people at bay. I don’t have to worry that someone will get too close, because they usually don’t. I have to work really hard at making real friends. And for this reason, I only have a handful of people who really know me at all. I have had this unconscious belief that as long as things seem the way they have always been, I won’t ever get really hurt. Rejection and un-acceptance is normal for me. What is not normal, is a compliment, genuine caring, my life without a shield. This scares the crap out of me. I have been conditioned to being let down, picked last, lonely, and self loathing. I am not used to feeling in love with myself, pride in my appearance, confidence that I am good enough. But guess what? These new feelings are becoming more and more a part of my every day.
The dots are being connected. I was a child of divorced young parents. I have suffered a great deal of loss in my life. I have been abused and traumatized. These are just facts. I have spent a lot of time wishing that this wasn’t the case, but it is. I can’t change what happened to me. I can’t change the past. I can only affect the future. If I want things to be different now, I can’t keep thinking and behaving the same way I always have. The change comes from within, because that is where the thought process is. I have to love myself, more than anyone else in my life has ever done. I have to say that I am worth all the effort to myself, and for no other reason. I can’t ignore the feelings I have always had about myself, I have to continue to find ways to change those core beliefs and accept how things are today. And today has never looked so good!
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