Connecting the Dots

Aren’t we all asking the same kinds of questions to ourselves? Who Am I? What do I want for and from my life? How can I get it? Why have some things not worked out? What am I supposed to be learning from this failure, success, tragedy, loss? We all ask the same things, day in and day out. What makes the most sense to you? This is the question that you should be asking.

I have done some serious soul searching since I began this journey to find myself. I didn’t like what was defined for me. I didn’t like the outcome of decisions that others had made for me. I felt like I had no choice but to accept what was being handed to me. I didn’t want to be anymore unacceptable than I already felt. So I tried over and over to please everyone but me. I knew that I should be trying to please me, but I was torn between feeling connected and accepted or selfish. I just wanted to belong. I spent a long time trying to belong. This made me sick. Sick in the way that I would sacrifice my own well being to keep others comfortable and at a distance, so that I couldn’t be truly hurt if they rejected me.

The fat, keeps people at bay. I don’t have to worry that someone will get too close, because they usually don’t. I have to work really hard at making real friends. And for this reason, I only have a handful of people who really know me at all. I have had this unconscious belief that as long as things seem the way they have always been, I won’t ever get really hurt. Rejection and un-acceptance is normal for me. What is not normal, is a compliment, genuine caring, my life without a shield. This scares the crap out of me. I have been conditioned to being let down, picked last, lonely, and self loathing. I am not used to feeling in love with myself, pride in my appearance, confidence that I am good enough. But guess what? These new feelings are becoming more and more a part of my every day.

The dots are being connected. I was a child of divorced young parents. I have suffered a great deal of loss in my life. I have been abused and traumatized. These are just facts. I have spent a lot of time wishing that this wasn’t the case, but it is. I can’t change what happened to me. I can’t change the past. I can only affect the future. If I want things to be different now, I can’t keep thinking and behaving the same way I always have. The change comes from within, because that is where the thought process is. I have to love myself, more than anyone else in my life has ever done. I have to say that I am worth all the effort to myself, and for no other reason. I can’t ignore the feelings I have always had about myself, I have to continue to find ways to change those core beliefs and accept how things are today. And today has never looked so good!

A Long Time Coming

Someone ask me recently if I have stopped blogging. I had. But I didn't want to say so. The reason? Self reflection isn't always something we want to put out in public for everyone to scrutinize. Because, since I'm being honest, I already scrutinize myself beyond reason. Why should I put myself out there for more critical review? Or even worse, sympathy.

After much deep thought about whether to pull it or continue, I decided that if this was indeed a real process, then I am going to have to be real and not hide from the truth about myself, my feelings or my physical appearance. This includes writing about where I am... where I really am on my journey.

Remember before I said that you can take your journey along side mine? I think this is part of the reason I hesitated to share my feelings, and why I have struggled to really put anything out there for over 2 months. I don't want to be a disappointment.  But the reality is, I'm scared. I have always been this way. I might appear brave, and fearless to others because I have become very good at masking my insecurity. I can fake it really well. But as a result, I have to sooth myself with rewards for good behavior. Usually some form of chocolate or a big bowl of ice cream does the trick. Then I feel guilty for making a poor choice, get down on myself and say "I'm hopeless." It's a downward spiraling vicious cycle that keeps me from being who I truly feel I am.

It feels very suffocating. Inside and out I'm trapped. Both by my emotions internally and  by my outward physical appearance. The catalyst to feeling in control is to eat. It's a full range of emotions. I have recently discovered in therapy, that I learned as a baby to equate food with happiness. As a child, I learned to hate exercise and see it as work and found no pleasure in it. These two things, coupled with abuse I endured from age 4 through adulthood, has brought me to where I am today. Not a very healthy or stable place.

It would be easy to say, I have a valid excuse for the behaviors I have created for myself. Just as easy as it is for others to tell me what I need to do to change. I know exactly what I need to do. It's about finding both internal and external motivation to keep going forward. To keep trying, even when I feel like a miserable failure. To not worry about what other people "must be thinking" of me. But most of all: To cast a side the judgment of myself for knowing better, but not acting accordingly. This is what I know,self-destruction is what I do best, it's comfortable, it's what I grown a custom to. Sabotage provides safety on many levels. What is not safe is uncharted territory. What feels out of control, is doing something I don't fully understand. Like... running. Like eating healthy. Not for pleasure or enjoyment, or because I think it will make me happy; but because my body needs the right food to function properly.

Food; a physical need, is not meant to fuel or replace an emotional need. This is equivalent to expecting a fish to live out of water. It needs water, not air. Keep forcing air, the fish dies. Keep forcing food to replace emotions, and you die too. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually something in you gives up. Emotionally, I need to fuel with happiness, love and satisfaction. Food has been my replacement for that which was severely lacking. Because I learned as a child to find happiness wherever I could.

The more progress I seem to be making, the more progress I find I need to make. But in so doing, I realize it took me 38 years to get to this point today and it might take me a long time to permanently change. That isn't a reason to give up, it's the main reason to keep going.

Far From Over

I wrote before about setbacks. We all have them and they are to be expected as part of the process. I have had several. I hurt a very major tendon in my leg, preventing me from even being able to walk, let alone run. I had a decision to make. Do I let this stop me for good? Or do I let this heal and start again?

In the past, I would have given up completely; chalked it up to the universe not wanting me to succeed, but not this time.  This time is different. The obstacle to overcome, the mole, the inside trader… is me. I have had several “light bulb moments” through this preginning process and I think I am FINALLY on the right track.

There is a mental process you have to go through in order to be able to change any behavior. It’s not about will power. It’s about changing core beliefs you have about yourself. I started this process thinking that I thought I was a runner on the inside…now I realize that is just what I wanted to think. What I really think has manifested itself in my appearance and my behavior. I have always thought I was fat and ugly. I had so many people telling me as a child, adolescent, adult, that my weight was unacceptable. Some people were just plain mean. Some were indifferent to me at all, I felt like I was non-existent. I grew to feel that no matter what I did or how good, the me I was would never be acceptable to anyone.

Fat = ugly and unacceptable. So that is what I have become to myself, and ultimately a lot of other people have judged me. Not on my character, but on my appearance. Life as I have known it, has been a cruel daily reminder of what I was not. But this far from over. I have begun to connect the dots and make some necessary changes that I haven’t been able to make until now. The scale is beginning to reflect the “letting go” I have needed to do for a long time.

Meat vs. Grissle: A Great Visual

I wrote before about setbacks. We all have them. I have thought forever that my brain must be different from everyone else’s because all the psychobabble didn’t work on me. Will power? Um yeah right…never had that before. I still cannot say no to ice cream, or chocolate. But, when I exercise, I am finding that I don’t have to say no all the time. I am still losing weight, and I get to actually eat things I enjoy. No starving, no deprivation, no whining…it’s been great. All except for the very first day; I don’t want to ever have another FIRST day like that ever again. BTW, my brain is the same as everybody else's. Did you know it takes 10 positive thought to undo every single negative thought?

Every day is a new day. As long as I get in some kind of exercise for the same length of time (remember it’s all about going the distance) at least 3 times a week, I’m losing. Everything I do above and beyond that is a bonus!

My husband told me something the other day that gave me a great visual. He said, “another pound today huh? You must have left it on the road somewhere!” I laughed. Then I thought about it some more. I really did leave it out there, it’s gone. I have kicked 20 pounds to the curb, literally. I don’t want to ever pick it up again.

Twenty Pounds Down!

Setback behind me…down 20 pounds!! No Lie… I am so excited. I went out walking this morning, and came home and jumped on the scale. As a rule, I never weigh myself more than once a week. I always weigh in the morning, and completely naked. I never, ever weigh myself on Monday. Which is why today Friday, is a great day! I have never had this kind of success before. Sure I have lost weight, only to gain it all back and then some. But this feels different. I feel different. I have not dropped a size yet, but I sure do like the way my clothes feel. Loosening up for sure! Foot still hurts a bit, but it gets better with different shoes. I have to find some new ones I think.

I am also going to get a bike. I really like the idea of riding again. When I was younger, I rode 10 miles a day. But I haven’t done that since junior high. I have my eye on a beach cruiser. Laugh now; but I like the idea of having 3 wheels and wide comfy seat, making for longer more pleasurable rides. I am willing to do just about anything to get myself out there and be able to enjoy every minute of it. Exercise has always been a chore for me, which is why I have avoided it for so long! I saw in magazine the other day an elliptical bike. It was so cool! Way out of my price range. (Like $2700) But imagine how fun it would be to ride, standing up! For now, I’ll take my losses any way I can get them.

Setbacks Are Just Part of It

Week number 2 and I have had a setback. This is usually the part where I would have given up, and said to myself, “See, this isn’t for you. I told you… you couldn’t do this!” I have some severe pain in the top of my foot, and it hurts to walk on it, let alone run…so I have been off of it for several days, waiting on X-ray results. But I have not given up.

 I have received some great feedback about my blog, and others are being inspired by ME! Wow is all I can say. I cried tears of joy this morning when I read an email from my cousin, a super athlete and inspiring runner; telling me how proud he is of me and how interested he is in my success. I also had the very same reaction when two of my best friends said the same thing. I know I don’t give myself enough credit for the person I am, the things I do and say, or for the accomplishments I have made in my life. I seem to have been stuck on what I haven’t done, who I am not, and what I wish I was like. Any of this familiar to you?

It has taken me many years and several hundred pounds to try and drowned out the voices in my head telling me I am not good enough. But you know what? I now have it writing…other people think I am good enough. I have to believe it. And I do, I really do. So the number on the scale isn’t ideal! It doesn’t define me anymore. I’m not a number. I am not someone else’s idea of what I should or should not be. It’s all up to me. Setbacks are part of it…I won’t let a setback become another reason to fail. I’ll just call it what it is, a minor inconvenience.

Yoda says, “There is no TRY… only do or do not.”  And I’m choosing to do!

Define Yourself!

Let me say this. We are not defined by what we think. We are defined by what we do. Character is what people see us do, or not do. They call it acting for a reason. Action is required to define ourselves. If we are inactive, perhaps a new way to look at it is, this gives us more than enough room for self definition. Just because we have done nothing to this point, doesn't mean we are not capable of it. It just means we are stuck in the preginning.

If you are here, then this is where you begin making the effort to change your behavior. Changing your behavior begins with changing thinking that doesn't work for you anymore. It doesn't mean you are a freak, or a loser or incapable. It just means that there is a time and season for everything. People understand things when they are ready to. Sometimes we have to hear and see things over and over again before it finally clicks.

If like me, you have a challenge to do something you have not done before; don't think you are going to do it all at once. I was never going to run a 5k that first day. I knew that. But I did go 2.6 miles, which was more than I had done in years! I did run, a few steps here, up a hill, down a hill, seconds at time. But the point is... I RAN! And I am still working at it. After one week, I have shaved 15 minutes off my original time. I can run more steps and not ache all over afterward. It's finally starting to feel good!

There is hope, if you have the desire to change (anything on your life) you CAN!