I wrote before about setbacks. We all have them and they are to be expected as part of the process. I have had several. I hurt a very major tendon in my leg, preventing me from even being able to walk, let alone run. I had a decision to make. Do I let this stop me for good? Or do I let this heal and start again?
In the past, I would have given up completely; chalked it up to the universe not wanting me to succeed, but not this time. This time is different. The obstacle to overcome, the mole, the inside trader… is me. I have had several “light bulb moments” through this preginning process and I think I am FINALLY on the right track.
There is a mental process you have to go through in order to be able to change any behavior. It’s not about will power. It’s about changing core beliefs you have about yourself. I started this process thinking that I thought I was a runner on the inside…now I realize that is just what I wanted to think. What I really think has manifested itself in my appearance and my behavior. I have always thought I was fat and ugly. I had so many people telling me as a child, adolescent, adult, that my weight was unacceptable. Some people were just plain mean. Some were indifferent to me at all, I felt like I was non-existent. I grew to feel that no matter what I did or how good, the me I was would never be acceptable to anyone.
Fat = ugly and unacceptable. So that is what I have become to myself, and ultimately a lot of other people have judged me. Not on my character, but on my appearance. Life as I have known it, has been a cruel daily reminder of what I was not. But this far from over. I have begun to connect the dots and make some necessary changes that I haven’t been able to make until now. The scale is beginning to reflect the “letting go” I have needed to do for a long time.
